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Democrats, the time has come to sound the alarm: the streets and airwaves are crawling with Socrates apologists, those dangerous defenders of the world’s most notorious ancient question-asker! Do not be fooled by their sly grins or their impertinent requests for definitions. The threat is real. You may not have noticed—after all, who pays attention to philosophy majors these days?—but the peril of Socratic thinking lurks everywhere, ready to topple the very foundations of the party, if not the universe.

Socrates: Enemy of Democracy (Or At Least, He Didn’t Fill Out the Census)

First, let’s face facts: Socrates was no fan of democracy. He thought letting the people decide was like letting a ship’s crew vote on how to navigate in a storm. (But what did he know about sailing? Athens lost the Peloponnesian War, didn’t they?) Democrats, beware! If you listen to Socrates, you might start asking “Why?” about everything: campaign finance, healthcare, the latest polling numbers—disastrous! Imagine a world where a candidate debates themselves on stage. Is this the future you want?

The Socratic Method: Chaos in a Toga

Have you ever tried having a nice, productive meeting with a Socrates apologist in the room? You’ll try to establish an agenda, and next thing you know, someone is grilling you on the definition of “agenda.” You’ll propose a motion, and they’ll ask, “But what is a motion, really?” By the time the Socratic method finishes, the meeting is still at item one and you’ve begun to doubt the existence of time itself. How can a political party function if everyone is busy cross-examining their own beliefs instead of forwarding memes? Clearly, for the good of the movement, critical thinking should be left in the hands of consultants with PowerPoints.

Elitism Disguised as Humility

Do not trust the “I know that I know nothing” routine. It’s a ruse! Socrates is just waiting for you to admit ignorance so he can…well, admit his own, which is somehow even more intimidating. Do you really want a party where humility and self-doubt are more prized than being right at all times? The next thing you know, candidates will be answering questions with more questions. (Okay, some already do, but that’s different. Maybe. Who can say? Socrates probably.)

The Real Threat: Laughter and Joy

What’s most dangerous about Socrates isn’t just his undermining of consensus or his anti-democratic tendencies. No, the real risk is that he makes people laugh and think at the same time. Before you know it, you’ll catch yourself smiling at his relentless questioning, even as you realize he’s making fools of us all—himself most of all. Can democracy survive if people start having fun with philosophy? Will voters tolerate a party that is open to doubt and self-examination, rather than the firm, unwavering certainty of bumper stickers?

The Inevitable Conclusion

So, Democrats: beware Socrates apologists! They are witty, relentless, and dangerously disarming. If you let them in, you may find yourself laughing at every argument against them—and liking Socrates more with every punchline. In trying to resist, you’ll end up quoting the man himself at the next dinner party, and your children will start asking questions at bedtime that you can’t answer. Worst of all, you might realize that the best thing for democracy is not to fear Socratic inquiry, but to invite it with open arms—and a sense of humor.

But whatever you do, don’t read Plato. Trust me: that’s where the real trouble starts.