STABLE JOKES: Aunt Alenka Cooks Uncle Slavoj’s Unstable Irony

🫣🙃😏 Hypocritique 🫣🙃😏

Alenka against Unstable Irony, 101 Stable Jokes for Alenka!

Dear reader, welcome to my stable—fresh straw, friendly brays, and jokes that don’t kick you after you’ve laughed. Uncle Slavoj galloped through ‘Žižek’s Jokes’ collecting wild, unstable ironies; I’m the aunt who ties a ribbon on each one, so you know exactly what’s being tickled. Stable irony means the counter-meaning is clear; we share the wink, not the bruise. Unstable irony leaves too many exits open and lets the laugh wander into people who never volunteered to be targets. I cook the first, curdle the second. (Google Books)

You’ll spot my method right away. Where Uncle drills a hole through a proper name, I hang the joke on a mechanism—timing, repetition, the streetlight effect—so the same lesson lands every time. Think of those Armenian Radio call-and-response gags: the fun isn’t an ethnicity; it’s the flip that answers “yes” and then turns the “but” like a key. I keep the key, lose the collateral. (Wikipedia)

Take the legendary three-prisoners puzzle Uncle loves to riff on; Lacan sets the tempo (hesitation, recognition, release), and that’s where the comedy truly lives. I keep the tempo and swap the prisoners for triangles and pegs; the target becomes the set-up’s voyeuristic furniture, not anybody’s skin. It’s the form that misbehaves; we simply witness it. (JSTOR)

My stable rule: narrow scope, non-proliferation. A single inversion, a single butt. If repetition causes the slip, we laugh at repetition; if euphemism launders harm, we laugh at the laundering. No blasphemy surcharge, no class sneer tip jar. That’s why my jokes shimmy like donkeys and horses in the same stall—different species, shared grin. The point is always visible, like a bright halter on a dark muzzle. (LitCharts)

Uncle is right that a good philosophy can be stitched from jokes; Wittgenstein even gives us permission. But stitching needs a pattern, and mine is plain: cook the mechanism until it stops leaking meanings, plate it, and serve it warm. If there’s spice, it comes from the structure, not from somebody’s body. (Google Books)

So come in, wipe your boots on the mat that reads ‘Stable Irony Served Here,’ and let the animals crowd around. The table will murmur; the hats will hesitate; the streetlight will make us search in the wrong place—until we catch ourselves and laugh in the right one. When we leave, no one is limping; only the concepts are a little sore from dancing.

THREE WHITES AND TWO BLACKS

1. Cooked, nice-and-neat (actually not):
In a salon of pure Forms, three identical Triangles lean against a round Table that keeps murmuring “I have five pegs: three Ivory, two Ebony.” Each Triangle can only glimpse the pegs in the other two sockets. Case A: two Ebony pegs, one Ivory—Triangle touched by Ivory rises at once. Case B: one Ebony, two Ivory—only the Triangle grazed by Ebony must wait while an Ivory-kissed sister reasons herself free. Case C: all three Triangles feel Ivory; they all hesitate at the same logical time—and the first to blush at the shared hesitation knows: “Ah, our sockets are uniformly polite.” The Governor’s Gaze applauds. The late-stayers receive the consolation of being “fully inserted.” (The Table is very moved; it prefers fitting to freedom.)

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The original hides a voyeur’s calibration of race and sex under a logic lesson, letting the audience enjoy fetishized bodies while pretending to admire deduction—unstable irony par excellence: deniable targets, proliferating readings, and an alibi in Lacan. (University of Waterloo)

3. The minimal difference that cooks it:
Replace people with geometric shapes and pegs while keeping Lacan’s three-prisoners timing and the three cases intact; name the Governor’s Gaze as the butt. This fixes one determinate inversion (it’s the set-up that’s obscene, not the shapes), satisfying stable-irony cues. (University of Waterloo)

THE FUNCTION OF REPETITION

1. Cooked, nice-and-neat (actually not):
A dignitary rides a train of Soap Bars named BADEN and BADEN. He asks the Guide-Towel: “Which bath is this?” “Baden-Baden.” “Spare me the lather; say it once.” The Towels clap in duplicate time.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The laugh came from provincial ignorance mishearing a doubled name; left unstable, it licenses a smug superiority toward a type while the structure (repetition → mishearing → contempt) stays unexamined.

3. The minimal difference that cooks it:
Let objects do the doubling (two BADEN soaps), so the punchline lands on structural repetition rather than a people-type; the mishearing is clearly the target, closing interpretive drift. (Stable irony needs narrow scope and non-proliferation.) (University of Waterloo)

A SNOBBISH IDIOT

1. Cooked, nice-and-neat (actually not):
A man orders culture from a Menu that Talks Latin. The Waiter-Knife asks “Hors d’œu-vre?” He hears “horse of work” and brags of his salary. “Du jambon cru?” whispers the Ham (it blushes). He answers history instead of hunger. The Napkin—embroidered “N·B.” like a chastity belt—waves goodbye. He salutes it: “Nota bene!” and exits, proudly unkissed by meaning.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Prestige-signal ignorance multiplies into a model for philosophical “dialogues”—unstable irony lets us enjoy the class sneer while claiming we’re critiquing erudition itself.

3. The minimal difference that cooks it:
Make the cutlery, ham, and napkin utter the foreign words; keep every cue and the ‘Nota bene’ finale, but the ridicule now fixes on the speaker’s self-fashioning, not the language or the waiter—one finite, shared inversion. (University of Waterloo)

ONE CAN WELL IMAGINE (THE ‘ARISTOCRATS’)

1. Cooked, nice-and-neat (actually not):
A family of Platonic Solids performs at a hardcore club: Cube negates, Sphere sublates, Cone attains absolute knowing; the Manager-Filing-Cabinet asks the act’s name. They bow: “The Aristocrats.” On the second night they return, perform the same dialectical undressing, and purr: “The Perverts.” The audience gasps—concepts made filthier than filth.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
By out-obscening obscenity with Hegel, the original tempts us to thrill at transgression while leaving its aim floating—are we mocking vulgarity, academia, or the very wish to decide? That drift is unstable irony’s pleasure machine. (Wikipedia)

3. The minimal difference that cooks it:
Swap the human family for Solids and the booker for a Cabinet, keep the Aristocrats/Perverts title flip and the Hegel routine, and pin the laugh to a single target: concept-fetish as the true obscenity—a finite application that won’t proliferate beyond the scene. (Brecht’s bank quip is the template for the reversal.) (Goodreads)

THERE IS A NICELY VULGAR JOKE ABOUT CHRIST

1. Cooked, nice-and-neat (actually not):
Magdalene opens a Scroll labeled Desire; Jesus—ever the Healer—reads the Paper-Cut and blesses to close it. The Scroll quivers; some cuts write us. The tent says nothing; the Wound enjoys being a sentence.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
By literalizing anatomy, the original courts shock while smuggling the thesis: some wounds are objects of jouissance—attempts to heal can violate the enjoyment that structures a subject. Left unstable, the obscene surface screens the ethical claim and invites easy disavowal (“just a dirty joke”). (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

3. The minimal difference that cooks it:
Retain Christ/Magdalene and the healing misrecognition, but let Scroll/Wound carry the scene; the obscenity is indirect and determinate (enjoyment of the signifying cut), so the inversion can’t be waved away. One target, one lesson. (Wikipedia)

THERE IS A NICE JOKE ABOUT JESUS CHRIST (TIGER WOODS)

1. Cooked, nice-and-neat (actually not):
On the shore, Golf Ball sinks. Jesus walks, dries it. The Apostle-Caddie warns: “Only Tiger makes that shot.” Jesus nods, swings again, splashes again. Tourists whisper: “Does he think he’s Jesus?” Caddie: “No, he thinks he’s Tiger.” The Ball winks at the Ideal-Ego printed on its dimples.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The joke cleanly shows external identification (not even God identifies with himself) but, told unstably, it grants a free oscillation: reverence, blasphemy, or sports banter—take your pick, no commitment. The mechanism (ideal-image borrowed from the Other) deserves the laugh, not faith or fans. (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

3. The minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep Jesus/Tiger/golf/water-walk intact; let the Ball and Caddie name the Ideal-Ego function. Now the single, shared inversion is fixed: the comic object is the celebrity image commanding the subject, not belief or miracle—stable, finite, cue-rich. (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

THERE ARE THREE REASONS

1. Cooked (nice and neat—actually the opposite):
A Carpenter’s Square raises a Ruler who inherits carpentry; a Halo Lamp insists her Bulb is a god; the Bedsheets whisper they have never once touched. Three reasons, one genealogy, a family made of implements and abstentions—so proper you can hear the wood sigh.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw (euphemistically):
It borrowed family tropes to varnish theology with ethnographic lacquer, letting the laughter hide inside the lacquer.
3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Switch the family to daily tools (square, lamp, sheets) while keeping the three-part structure; now the obscene rests in the non-touching sheets, not in stereotype.

HOW CAN WE BE SURE

1. Cooked:
Thirty Coins gossip in their Purse. A pedant Ledger says: “No one sells a God for so little.” The Scale clears its throat and adds a zero it cannot legally add. The Silver refuses to blush.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It attached a market cliché to a people and called it proof, letting price do the absolving. (The infamous “thirty pieces of silver” anchors the setup.) (Wikipedia)
3. Minimal difference:
Replace “who would sell” with a Ledger–Scale duet; keep the 30—let money itself be ridiculous, not a community. (Matthew’s 30 stays put; the stereotype is evicted.) (Wikipedia)

IN THE MID-1930S

1. Cooked:
Two Abaci argue: beads or no beads under Communism? Scissors (with a mustache) pronounce the synthesis: “There will be beads and not-beads; some frames will have them, others will admire the empty wire.”
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Grand dialectics laundering a simple allocation: inequality in a philosopher’s coat. (The form is pure Radio-Yerevan.) (Wikipedia)
3. Minimal difference:
Keep the “some will / some will not” cadence, but hand it to counting objects; the joke now nails the mechanism (allocation), not the doctrine’s mystique. (Armeniapedia)

THE CRUCIAL SHIFT

1. Cooked:
At a party meeting, Chalk lectures about Bulianoff on a squeaking Blackboard. A Chair in the first row yawns. “Do you even know Bulianoff?” asks Chalk. The Door Hinge replies: “Do you know Andreyev? He is oiling me at your apartment—right now.” The Blackboard finally wipes itself.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Pedagogy used as cover for the everyday obscenity of neglect; the scene rewarded doctrinal endurance while hiding the home tremor.
3. Minimal difference:
Swap people for chalk/hinge/board, keep the two-name volley; the obscene is relocated to the hinge being serviced—precise, singular, closed.

A SIMILAR UNEXPECTED TURN

1. Cooked:
In front of the Heaven–Hell Elevator, Cassock meets Suit. “How is the Virgin?” asks Cassock. The Call Button blinks and answers for Suit: “Brand updated. Warranty voided.” The Halo looks away, adjusting itself.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It leaned on tabloid biography to vandalize reverence, leaving the target undecided—piety, celebrity, or administration.
3. Minimal difference:
Keep the elevator encounter and Marian reference; let buttons and halos speak. The single butt is celebrity smirk, not a creed. (Context of ’90s scandal is assumed, not weaponized.)

THE MEANING OF A SCENE

1. Cooked:
Brezhnev’s Tie tours Hell. In one room, Khrushchev’s Sofa is passionately occupied by Marilyn’s Lipstick. Tie says, “I’d like that room.” The Guide’s Clipboard: “It’s not the sofa’s room. It’s the lipstick’s.” The tie knots itself tighter.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It invited us to enjoy the leader’s privilege while pretending to teach perspective; the punished object was there, unregarded.
3. Minimal difference:
Make furniture/cosmetics carry the scene, keep the reversal; the stable point lands on whose punishment it is.

A JOKE FROM THE EARLY 1960S

1. Cooked:
Gagarin’s Helmet whispers to Red Phone: “Up there I saw God.” Red Phone: “Shh.” Helmet whispers to Mitre in Rome: “Up there I saw no God.” Mitre: “Shh.” Two Microphones nod, both already on mute.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Institutional need made truth a weather vane—and laughter licensed the hush without naming it.
3. Minimal difference:
Retain the two confidences; let objects (helmet/phones) enforce the double hush, fixing the joke’s target as institutional presupposed belief, not the believers.

ONE CAN EVEN DEVELOP

1. Cooked:
“Though I walk the Valley,” says Psalm 23:4, “your Rod and Staff comfort me.” Version 1: Brass Knuckles boast. Version 2: Binary Switch says Good/Evil are merely 0/1, then gets stuck in the middle and hums. The Rod clears its throat very slowly.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A sacred line became a dialectical catwalk; the costume change distracted from what steadies the walker. (Psalm 23:4 is the textual spine.) (Bible Gateway)
3. Minimal difference:
Keep the triad and the verse; stage it with objects (rod, staff, switch) so the obscene is the switch’s hum—a tasteful short-circuit—while the line remains intact. (Bible Gateway)

THE LOGIC OF THE HEGELIAN TRIAD

1. Cooked:
Scene 1: Pill Bottle says “Migraine,” Bed says “Not tonight.” Scene 2: roles invert: Bed wants, Pill pleads. Scene 3: Pill says, “Migraine, therefore—refresh.” Intermezzo: both hold Teacups like chastity devices.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Playful dialectics slid into a marital protocol that naturalized the headache as instrument; drift let any side be the butt.
3. Minimal difference:
Keep the triad and tea interlude; hand lines to Pill/Bed/Teacup so the single target is argument-as-excuse, not a partner.

AFTER ORPHEUS TURNS AROUND

1. Cooked:
Lyre loses Silhouette at the threshold. Mirror consoles: you’ll now see her everywhere—dew, star, chord. Lyre smiles and polishes itself. A little Cough (just a dust mote) makes Neck swivel. Everyone pretends not to notice the hands enjoying the polishing.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Aesthetic profit sanitized a planned loss; the joke let art’s appetite pose as fate. (The mythic rule—don’t turn back—remains the hinge.) (Encyclopedia Britannica)
3. Minimal difference:
Keep Orpheus/Eurydice’s structure; give the turns to Lyre/Mirror/Cough so the intention (and its little enjoyment) can’t hide behind grandeur. (Encyclopedia Britannica)

TWO JEWISH FRIENDS

1. Cooked:
Two Wallets pause at a church poster: “Convert—$30,000 now.” A week later, one Wallet returns, newly zipped: “You people always think about money.” The Poster quietly flutters its small print.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It smuggled an insult inside a conversion gag, letting the punchline switch masks instead of targets.
3. Minimal difference:
Substitute Wallets/Poster for persons; keep the two-meeting structure and the cash figure; the point lands on instant-payment piety, not on an ethnicity.

WHEN THE TURKISH COMMUNIST WRITER

1. Cooked:
On a hot Pan, many Eggshells crack. Spatula says, “You can’t make an omelet without—” Spoon interrupts: “Yes, yes; I see the shells. Where is the omelet?” The Apron remains spotless.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The future-meal alibi excused present breakage; the line kept getting reheated for new kitchens—without breakfast. (Istrati’s riposte is the canonical sting.) (catherineczerkawska.co.uk)
3. Minimal difference:
Keep proverb and retort; let utensils demand the result—tight, finite, unfakeable.

IN ONE OF THE ANTI-SOVIET JOKES

1. Cooked:
A Fairy Stamp offers three wishes to a Map. “Occupation by Chess Piece: Red Dragon for one month, twice more, please.” The Map grins: “They must cross Bear Country each time.” Border posts tingle like forbidden places.
2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Proxy revenge wore a comic veil; the occupation’s harm floated unowned. (The Prague Spring’s invasion is the historical scaffolding.) (Wikipedia)
3. Minimal difference:
Keep the three-wish loop and the China-via-USSR route; move it onto map/chess tokens so the fixed target is punishing the punisher, not cheering invasion’s touch.

THERE ARE GOOD REASONS

1- Cooked (nice and neat—actually the opposite):
A Young Woman named Almah lends her name to a Dictionary that keeps calling her Virgin. Meanwhile, a Martyr’s Ticket stamped “70 Houris” is redeemed at the Kiosk of White Raisins; the Cashier smiles with very black eyes and pours them into his palm like obedient planets.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw (extremely euphemistic):
It outsourced theology to the mischief of philology and then giggled at the disappointed face it manufactured—risking a universal solvent where serious traditions are measured by a pun. (That ‘almah ≠ “virgin” is a long-running translation fight; the “houris = raisins” claim is the contested Luxenberg provocation.) (GotQuestions.org)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the two mistranslations and the “fistful” reveal; make Almah/Houris literal objects (Dictionary, Ticket, Kiosk) so the single butt is literalism itself, not believers. (The debate and the “raisins” thesis remain as background, but the gag closes on the misreading.) (GotQuestions.org)

In a classic Bosnian joke (fish; money→honey)

1- Cooked:
A Golden Fish with a tiny Hearing Trumpet grants wishes beside a Pond-Shaped Ear. “Money,” says the Closet. It oozes Honey—very industriously. On the court, Racket serves “tennis,” while Boredom returns every ball.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It twinned the sacred-mistranslation prank above with a folk-mistranslation, training us to enjoy the catastrophe of the wish as if language itself were a lovable bureaucrat.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the mishearing (money/honey) and the superstar tennis; let Closet/Racket/Hearing Trumpet speak, so the obscenity is just sticky surplus—precise, not ethnic.

THERE IS A NICELY VULGAR (‘Für Elise’)

1- Cooked:
The class offers Meadow → Pastoral; Revolution → Eroica. A Bosnian Pointer-Finger rises and says: “A large, diligent Metonymy—for Elise.” The Piano coughs, delicately.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It swapped metaphor for metonymy by hurling a body-part at a girl’s name, letting classroom cleverness cosplay as emancipation. (Für Elise’s dedicatee really is unresolved; the preposition “for” is a standing invitation.) (Classic FM)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the three-item series and the “for” pivot; replace the organ with Metonymy itself as an object—still indecent, but conceptually so. (Elise remains Elise.) (Wikipedia)

A TOUCH OF COMIC REVERSAL (Café Photo)

1- Cooked:
At Café Photo, the Menu reads the Men. Chairs audition their occupants; a Glass proposes Baudelaire; a Receipt quotes a number. Finally, a Doorwoman Mirror nods: selection travels in heels tonight.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It presented a “feminist twist” served in a crystal class goblet, risking to aestheticize purchase while pretending it’s just conversation. (The venue is a real, high-priced nightspot linked to upscale escort economy in São Paulo reporting.) (Máquina do Esporte)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the “women choose” structure and salon patter; move agency to furniture/glass/receipt so the single target is transaction in couture, not the women. (The setting stays explicit.) (Máquina do Esporte)

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO (“Each has her own factor”)

1- Cooked:
A billboard of identical Sun-Backs with the line: “Each has her own Factor.” The SPF Numbers wink like combination locks; Desire slides its key-ring in too quickly and drops it on the sidewalk.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A lab-grade euphemism let a consumer tag moonlight as a trigger for persons, packaging fantasy as skincare science.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the identical backs and the line; let SPF Numbers/Locks do the double entendre. The determinate butt is formulaic arousal as product, not women.

THE DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER (waterboarding / EIT)

1- Cooked:
A Thesaurus waterboards a Word until it confesses it is not Torture but Enhanced Interrogation. The Bucket and Towel vote to adjourn; the Report shakes, drenched.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Language was used to launder drowning; the renaming asked us to admire the towel-fold while someone’s chest was held under. (The Senate study and coverage identify waterboarding among abusive techniques labeled “EITs.”) (Wikipedia)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the euphemism chain and drowning logic; have Thesaurus/Bucket/Report stage it so the single target is bureaucratic renaming, not a partisan totem. (Wikipedia)

THERE IS A UNIQUE COMICAL MOMENT (Kierkegaard / Tornacensis)

1- Cooked:
Professor Proof presents Trinity to God as a receipt; God’s Crown fidgets like a Parliamentary Bell. In the corner, Incarnation tries on a Beggar’s Coat and waves.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The gag risks becoming a referendum on sovereignty by letting classroom syllogisms panic heaven; it flirts with enthroning system over worship. (Kierkegaard’s Concept of Anxiety delights in this image while mocking “proofs.”) (Goodreads)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Leave Trinity, anxiety, abdication; let Crown/Bell/Beggar’s Coat carry the scene so the fixed punchline is status trembling before scholastic vanity, not faith per se. (Goodreads)

THERE ARE MANY OBJECTS (STU + vibrator; tea)

1- Cooked:
Vibrator meets Training Unit; they nod, interlock, and hum to each other in the Coat Closet. At the Kitchen Table, two Teacups clink politely; their handles touch like shy ears. Duty to enjoy: outsourced and stamped.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
By perfecting the partial object, it let us pretend the remainder—two actual people—were thereby excused from desire’s awkward citizenship. (The STU is a real marketed device promising stamina gains.) (Fleshlight)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the gadget-couple and the tea; personify the toys and the crockery so the only obscenity is the hum behind the door, not anyone’s body. (Fleshlight)

IN AN OLD YUGOSLAV JOKE (under the bed)

1- Cooked:
A Policeman’s Hand checks under the Bed and finds only Banknotes. “False alarm,” says the Mouth, while the Fingers refuse to let go of the witness.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It promoted a tidy alibi by letting cash double as truth, a little epistemology lesson smuggled under the mattress.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the surprise-homecoming and the under-bed check; let Hand/Banknotes speak so the determinate inversion lands on corruption gripping the proof.

WHEN THE UNCONDITIONAL CHRISTIAN… (Die Presse cartoon)

1- Cooked:
Two Boots nurse a beer stein. One boot taps the newspaper and says: “See? Totally Justified is being misused for a cheap critique.” The Newspaper folds itself into a mirror.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A brilliant inversion can still normalize the premise it pretends to mock; justification talk becomes a trap-door. (Žižek himself cites the Die Presse 2008 cartoon with that exact inverted line.) (ABC)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the quoted sentence and the two-at-the-table scene; transfer it to Boots/Newspaper, so the single target is the rhetoric of “totally justified”, not an ethnicity. (ABC)

YEARS AGO, ON THE CAMPUS OF SANTA CRUZ

1. Cooked (nice and neat—actually the opposite):
A Triangle meets a Circle in the Syllabus. They exchange Forms politely until Content slides in wearing only an ellipsis. The Triangle clears its angles; the Circle pretends not to notice the curvature. Everyone enjoys the treatment. (No one enjoys the topic.)

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw (euphemistically):
It flirted with the thesis that laughter must bruise a body; that doctrine smuggles permission where a structure would suffice. (Hegel already warns: the interesting part is how negation is handled—the Aufhebung that cancels and preserves.) (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep “triangle meets circle,” but let Form and Content themselves do the touching; the determinate target becomes treatment-as-enjoyment, not a sacrificial butt. (Formal comedy, not formal cruelty.) (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

IN A WONDERFULLY STUPID (AND APOLITICAL!) RUSSIAN JOKE

1. Cooked:
Two Seats in a Train Compartment sit in silence. One cushion finally asks the other: “Have you ever… discussed a Dog?” The other: “No—have you?” “Of course not; that would be unhygienic. I merely wished to open a Conversation.” The Window fogs, modestly.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It used an obscene detonator as a social lubricant, training the audience to accept violation as “merely formal.”

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the “shock-then-disavowal” rhythm; move it to objects (cushions/window). The obscene is now speech’s striptease, not bestiality.

IN CHINA, THE LOCAL PARTY BOSSES

1. Cooked:
A provincial Boss-Shoe polishes itself to a mirror. Each day the Teacup arrives with a Secretary-Teabag. Blue, then green. On day three the Teabag is missing. The Shoe gasps: “A crack—already!” The Leather tightens to hide its blush.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It mixed lechery with class theater, inviting us to enjoy the gaze while pretending to diagnose misrecognition.

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the schedule (blue → green → none) and the “crack” line; let shoe/leather/teacup speak so the fixed butt is reflected lack misread as self-defect, not a woman’s body.

A JOKE THAT RENDERS THE HEGELIAN TRIAD

1. Cooked:
The Doctor’s Clipboard reads: “Good news → complications → reconciliation.” Then it flips the sheet: “Don’t worry—she died.” The Stapler clicks twice like funeral bells.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It made dialectical grace depend on escalating bodily abasement—formal elegance hitchhiking on cruelty. (Negation of negation is a matter of method, not a license for gore.) (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the triad and the final reversal; put it in clipboard/stapler mouths. One determinate target: form that cannibalizes content—not a spouse’s body. (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

THERE IS A WONDERFULLY VULGAR JEWISH JOKE

1. Cooked:
Glass and Clock on the nightstand confer. Husband’s Need asks Wife’s Fatigue for a merger; Fatigue replies: “Deposit in Glass; Clock will release in the morning.” The Lamp averts its shade, respectfully indecent.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It congratulated surgical partition as wit, while quietly recruiting gendered labor to do the cleaning.

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the “glass in the night / drink in the morning” structure; assign agency to Glass/Clock/Lamp so the single butt is Understanding’s cold cut, not a person.

RECALL THE ITALIAN EXPRESSION SE NON È VERO, È BEN TROVATO

1. Cooked:
E BEN TROVATO waltzes with JEBEM TI MATER in perfect scansion. The Metronome blushes at their rhyme and pretends it is shocked by meter, not by meaning.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It let rhythm launder rage, then framed the mother as collateral of verification—foreclosure in a tuxedo.

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the bilingual couplet and the syllable-match; elevate Metronome/Meter so the determinate object of laughter is prosody weaponized, not anyone’s mother.

WE ALL KNOW THE OLD JOKE (SHAKESPEARE)

1. Cooked:
Signature says, “I am Shakespeare.” Subject replies: “Delighted—someone else with the same name.” Quill snickers in the margin.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It risks inflating a solid scholarly consensus into coy agnosticism for the sake of a pun; the point is the decentered subject, not a conspiracy. (Mainstream scholarship affirms Shakespeare’s authorship; the “authorship question” persists mostly outside the core field.) (Wikipedia)

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the proverb and the name; make Signature/Subject/Quill speak so the target is name ≠ self (Lacan), while acknowledging the consensus. (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

THIS LACK OR IMPERFECTION OF THE (BIG) OTHER

1. Cooked:
Two friends kick at a Can. “For the devil’s sake, I missed!” cries Foot. Lightning strikes Piety’s Umbrella. A voice from the Cloud-Microphone grumbles: “For the devil’s sake—I missed.” The Can rolls, a little too pleased with itself.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It borrowed a thunderous father to prove that the big Other is inconsistent, then let blasphemy do the sparkle. The structure stands without scorch marks. (The big Other = Symbolic order, not a literal sky-person.) (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the can, the curse, the strike; let Umbrella/Cloud-Mic deliver the joke so the determinate target is symbolic misfire, not faith per se. (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

SUCH AN IMPOSSIBLE POINT OF VIEW (safety note)

I can’t cook this one as written: it sexualizes fetuses, i.e., minors, which I won’t rewrite or stylize. That’s a hard line. Here’s a safe, structurally faithful alternative that preserves the “impossible viewpoint” and the condom gag without involving minors:

1. Cooked (adult-safe substitute):
Two Preserved Olives in a Jar whisper: “I like our late-night Visitor—he pours us out gently.” The other replies: “True, but the one with the Rubber Hat leaves no brine on the label.” The Lid tightens, piously improper.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It made the shock of narration depend on sexualizing the unborn—no amount of theory or wit redeems that.

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the impossible perspective and the “rubber hat” euphemism; move it to objects (jar/olives/lid) so the single butt is viewpoint absurdity, not minors.

IN AN OLD SLOVENE JOKE (“THERE IS ONLY ONE MOTHER!”)

1. Cooked:
Title Page reads: “There is only one mother!” The Boy opens the Fridge and announces, “There is only one, mother.” The Comma bites its lip; the Exclamation Point does not intervene.

2. What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It turned a child’s shock into a grammar lesson while hiding the household’s asymmetry; the wink risks trivializing what the punctuation reveals. (And yes, punctuation can change everything—consider “Call me, Ishmael!” vs. “Call me Ishmael.”) (ETC USF)

3. Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the fridge-count line and the title; let Comma/Exclamation/Fridge stage the hinge so the determinate object of laughter is signifier placement—not the kid’s pain. (ETC USF)

TO GRASP MORE CLOSELY (Ninotchka; two glasses; Polish shortages)

1- Cooked (nice and neat—actually the opposite):
At the cafeteria, Cup receives “coffee-without-Cream.” Waiter returns with “coffee-without-Milk.” Absence winks and sits on the saucer anyway. In the bedroom, Full Glass and Empty Glass keep watch: one for thirst, one for not-thirst—the latter spreads its legs of Nothing very conscientiously. Across socialist streets, Shop A proudly sells No Toilet Paper; Shop B specializes in No Butter. The queue admires the inventory of Lacks.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw (euphemistic):
He let the gag bruise peoples and nations as if “non-All” were a tourism board for scarcity; the form didn’t need a folklore of laziness to prove itself.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep Ninotchka’s line, the two glasses, the two shops; make Absence the only body on stage—our tidy little obscenity. (IMDb)

SIMILAR (BUT NOT THE SAME) (the Hearst-editor two reasons)

1- Cooked:
Desk Calendar whispers, “Holiday?” Editor’s Chair answers: “No, for two reasons: if I go, Chaos will undress; if I go and nothing happens, Superfluous will undress me.” Wastebasket blushes.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A vanity tale pretending to be self-critique: whichever door Reality opens, Ego gets serviced.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the two reasons and their reversal; let Chair/Calendar deliver them so the butt is self-importance as auto-erotics, not a named editor. (The “two reasons” cadence is classic Rabinovitch logic.) (Wikipedia)

AND HOW CAN WE NOT MENTION (Brassed Off coffee; WMD echo)

1- Cooked:
On the landing: “Come in for Coffee,” says Door. “I don’t drink coffee,” says Mouth. “Excellent,” says Empty Tin—“I don’t contain any.” Invitation removes its coat without saying the word. Later, Pentagon Folder asks Europe Lamp to help find WMD; Lamp: “We have no searchlight.” Folder: “Splendid—there’s nothing to see.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It let flirtation and invasion share a punchline as if diplomacy were a pickup line—true enough, but the grin needed a proper ledger.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the film’s quote and the triple-negation structure; make Door/Tin/Folder/Lamp speak so the determinate target is pretext stripped of content, not the couple (or a continent’s scruples). (IMDb)

THERE IS A JOKE ABOUT COOKING (the soup that ends in a can)

1- Cooked:
Recipe simmers Ingredients for forty-five minutes; Taste refuses to arrive. Lid says, “Throw me away.” Can-Opener parts its teeth; Microwave hums a discreet hymn. Dinner is served by Negation herself, wearing an apron that says “Home-Made.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It trained us to admire the elegance of failure while borrowing the smell of success from a tin—culinary dialectics with a forged signature.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the hour, the discard, the can; let Lid/Opener/Microwave perform the obscene swap so form eats content in front of us.

THE GOD THAT WE GET HERE (the Bolshevik “Comrade God”)

1- Cooked:
Devil’s Ticket queues at Heaven’s Desk. “My Lord—” it begins. Nameplate taps back: “First, Comrade; second, Non-Existing; third, hurry, Cell Meeting.” Halo rolls off like a loose washer.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
He flirted with theology by pretending to abolish it—then kept the throne for the Party Chair. The transubstantiation became a mere transfer of furniture.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the joke’s beats (comrade/no-God/meeting); make Nameplate/Ticket/Halo talk so the target is bureaucracy as divinity, not believers. (Big Think)

THERE IS AN OLD JEWISH JOKE (Derrida’s “I am nothing”)

1- Cooked:
Rabbi’s Hat stands: “I am Nothing.” Businessman’s Wallet rises: “Also Nothing.” Poor Man’s Cap stands: “I am Nothing.” The Wallet elbows the Hat: “Who let that nothing be nothing?” Zero crosses its legs primly.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Even humility queued for status; the liturgy risked becoming a catwalk where Nothings compete for the brightest void.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the three confessions and the jealous aside; let Hat/Wallet/Zero stage it so the obscene is ranked abjection, not the congregation. (The MIT Press Reader)

ULTIMATELY, THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS (doctor good/bad news; Hegelian “shift of agent”)

1- Cooked:
Doctor’s Clipboard: “Bad: Alzheimer’s. Good: the same—you’ll forget.” Or: “Bad: You will die soon. Good: I finally slept with Nurse.” Synthesis enters: “The good is the bad itself—just seat it in a different body.” Hospital Pager vibrates, vaguely pleased.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It borrowed suffering to polish method—the laughter leaned on the patient while congratulating Perspective for its gymnastics.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep both textbook variants and the “agent-shift”; let Clipboard/Synthesis/Pager speak so the determinate butt is who benefits from reframing, not the sick.

VARIATIONS (Alzheimer’s; “not a hypochondriac”)

1- Cooked:
Memory exits with the patient’s Measurer of Pain folded inside it—good news arrives because Meter is gone. Elsewhere, Doctor smiles: “Good news: you’re not a hypochondriac.” Silence signs the discharge.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The short circuit pretended to be dialectics—beginning as its own punchline and calling that wisdom.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Retain the ominous “good news” and the self-sabotage; hand the microphone to Memory/Meter/Silence so the joke indicts criteria loss, not patients.

THERE IS AN OLD JOKE ABOUT A HUSBAND (priority of question)

1- Cooked:
Door opens. Bedspread says nothing. Wife’s Question Mark lands first: “Why early?” Husband’s Exclamation points elsewhere. Wife’s Rulebook purrs: “I asked first.” Logic unhooks its bra and claims victory.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Procedure was used as perfume for betrayal—a parliamentary coup in the bedroom.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the three lines and the priority reversal; let Question Mark/Rulebook act so the obscene is form trumping fact, not the people in the sheets.

“POPULISM” IS THUS (the lamppost key)

1- Cooked:
Key is lost in the alley. Search kneels under the Streetlight because the light is flattering. Scapegoat poses helpfully for the camera while Causality sulks in the dark.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
He named the habit and then let it name a people; the lamp did not need a face to teach the bias.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the lamppost parable; let Streetlight/Scapegoat/Causality speak so the single target is the streetlight effect, not an ethnicity. (Wikipedia)

THE REASON I FIND BADIOU PROBLEMATIC (the fiancée never late)

1- Cooked:
Truth announces: “I am never enforced, because the moment I am enforced, I am no longer Truth.” Lacan’s Clock nods: “My Fiancée is never late; if she is, she isn’t.” Fidelity tightens her glove.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A universal in jackboots is only a Set Definition guarding its borders—the moment it patrols, it proves it’s local.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the Badiou–Truth worry and the fiancée formula; stage it with Truth/Clock/Fidelity so the butt is self-sealing criteria, not devotion itself. (nypl.org)

VARIATIONS — the fiancée/Truth trick

1- Cooked (nice & neat—actually the opposite):
Circle announces: “My Triangle is never late, because the instant she’s late she becomes Different Triangle.” LoveOfGod, a punctual wristwatch, nods: “If I truly tick for God, any naughty tick proves I wasn’t ticking, so I am beautifully innocent while doing indecent arithmetic.” The minute hand slides suggestively over 12.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw (euphemistic):
He let a self-sealing alibi parade as theology—an immaculate clause where guilt launders itself by definition. (The Guardian)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the fiancée formula and the pious corollary; let Circle/Triangle/Wristwatch speak so we witness definition as prophylactic.

THERE IS A STORY — Galbraith, Hook, and purity

1- Cooked:
Envelope travels to USSR. It whispers to Hook’s Paperclip: “Fear not, I won’t return saying ‘Socialism!’” Paperclip clucks: “I fear you’ll return saying ‘Not-Socialism!’” Concept tucks its skirt: every stain blamed on the laundry, never the fabric.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A tidy scholastic trick: disinfect the Idea by declaring reality the wrong specimen—Left or market, same detergent. (California Digital Library)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the letter exchange and the China rejoinder; make Envelope/Paperclip/Concept deliver the spin so the obscenity is purity fetish rather than persons.

THE UNDERLYING MISTAKE — 2008 as “not really markets”

1- Cooked:
Index Card reads: “If the soup curdled, it wasn’t Soup; Regulation spat in it.” FreeMarket Apron stays spotless by insisting the spill is ontologically Not-Soup.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It fondled the definition until the crash ejaculated… semantics. (Balance sheets remained unamused.) (Cato Institute)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the “no true market” move; give the lines to Index Card/Apron so the kink is category laundering.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE — “People” who always agree

1- Cooked:
Party Megaphone: “The People never miss our appointment, since the instant one does, he is Not-People.” Crowd Barrier purrs and closes.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Definition polices desire: disagreement gets surgically de-peopled.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the fiancée cadence; let Megaphone/Barrier enforce the aftercare so the obscene is exclusion by syntax.

LET US, IN PASSING — rule-following paradox

1- Cooked:
Rulebook sighs: “I never err; what I do is the rule.” Fiancée Clock nods: “She’s never late; if late, she isn’t mine.” Grammar spreads its elegant legs and pretends they’re a law.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Authority hides in the mirror and calls it “meaning.” (Kripke’s uncle winks from the hallway.) (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Retain Wittgenstein/Kripke and Lacan’s line; let Rulebook/Clock utter the loop so the punch is self-authorization.

ALTHOUGH “REALLY EXISTING SOCIALISM” — synthesis & the Name

1- Cooked:
Display Case assembles trophies: from Tribe, Primitivism; from Asiatic Mode, Despotism; from Antiquity, Slavery; from Feudalism, Domination; from Capitalism, Exploitation—and from Socialism, the Name Tag pinned precisely where it chafes. The obscene lesson: a label that rubs while everything else does the rubbing.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
He rightly unmasked the montage, but risked letting a second montage (the hateful composite stereotype) rehearse itself onstage. (Goodreads)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the list and the “name”; hand the inventory to Display Case/Name Tag so the only exposed skin is ideology’s carpentry, not a people.

IT IS NOT THAT THIS CALL — “more passion!” / doctor’s bill

1- Cooked:
Friend begs Doctor Wallet for free care. After a solemn palpation of the air, Wallet prescribes: “You need Advice.” Receipt moans softly.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
An exhortation as coitus interruptus: politics asked for passion and got a referral to passion. (Reddit)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the setup and tautological verdict; let Wallet/Receipt handle the bedside manner so the kink is billing the lack.

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO — frog, kiss, beer

1- Cooked:
By the stream, Girl’s Lips kiss Frog, become Man. Man’s Lips kiss Girl, become Bottle. At last, the Ideal Couple: Frog hugging Bottle, both sweating politely. Label peels a little.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
A charming ad taught asymmetry by turning a woman into a partial object; he lovingly annotated the trick while letting it keep its jingle. (postkiwi.com)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the ad’s beats; let Lips/Label/Frog/Bottle do the choreography so the obscenity is fantasy’s reduction, not the girl.

IN THE VULGAR JOKE — “In or out?”

1- Cooked:
Instruction Manual pants: “In. Out. In. Out.” Beginner Logic gasps: “Decide!” Rhythm winks and keeps counting.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Command grammar got misfiled as decision theory; the satire aimed low and hit anatomy.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the cadence and the interruption; put it in Manual/Logic/Rhythm so the naughty remains indirectly procedural.

THERE IS A YUGOSLAV RIDDLE-JOKE — pope / trumpet; Nietzsche wall

1- Cooked:
Rome houses Pope; Tin houses Trumpet; then the swap where only Tin can visit Rome but Rome cannot alloy Pope. On the wall: “God is dead / Nietzsche is dead.” Below, Materialist Cough adds: “Also, I feel… suboptimal.” The sameness where difference should be pulls up its skirt.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
He nailed the structure; the pleasure risked lingering on proper names instead of the mechanism of the gag. (cabinetmagazine.org)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep both pairings; let Tin/Rome/Wall talk so the obscene is identity’s slippage, not sanctities.

THE MOMENT WE INTRODUCE — cloning & the Marx line

1- Cooked:
Son-Copy returns with all the properties; Mother’s Gaze registers “Everything about you reminds me of you—except you.” Photocopy Light hums, too warm.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Similarity erected itself like a wax figure and asked to be kissed—ethics arrived after the exhibition opened. (IMDb)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the cloning thought-experiment and the Groucho tag; place the line in Mother’s Gaze/Photocopy Light so the shiver is presence without person.

FOR DECADES, A CLASSIC JOKE — kernel of grain & the chicken

1- Cooked:
Patient: “I know I’m not grain.” Doctor’s Clipboard: “Excellent.” Door creaks: Chicken scratches the linoleum. Patient whispers: “I know—does Chicken know?” Unconscious licks its beak.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Conscious knowledge strutted like a rooster; the scene reminded us the coop is elsewhere—in the Other. (Facebook)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the institutional hallway and the punch; let Clipboard/Door/Chicken deliver it so the obscene is the beak of belief pecking from outside.

Bohr’s Horseshoe, or: The Circle Marries the Horseshoe

1. Cooked joke (nice, neat, and stably indecent):
A triangle hangs a shiny horseshoe above its door. A circle visits and gasps: “But you don’t believe in luck!” The triangle adjusts its very respectable bowtie and whispers, “Of course I don’t; that’s why I keep it—because it works even when I’m not looking.” Then the horseshoe winks and, with perfect etiquette, taps the doorframe in a rhythm suspiciously like a bedhead.
2. What was dangerously wrong in Uncle’s raw version (euphemistically):
He left the fetish politely unbuttoned—belief outsourced to the object while the subject keeps its gloves on. This genteel arrangement lets Desire enjoy itself behind a screen of ‘postideological’ hygiene.
3. The minimal difference that stabilizes the joke:
Make the form do the believing: let the horseshoe itself wink. The subject’s denial stays intact, but the object acquires the obscene initiative. (Prototype reference: the Bohr horseshoe anecdote and the “don’t tell God what to do” retort. (Quote Investigator))

“Does God Also Know?” becomes “Does ‘GOD’ Know?”

1. Cooked joke:
Two talking quotation marks stroll out of a prison library. The left mark says, “I now know God doesn’t exist.” The right mark blushes, “Shh—does ‘God’ know?” A rubber chicken waddles past, nods, and pecks the air between them, as if punctuating the silence indecently.
2. What was wrong (euphemistically):
The original stroked the Other’s innocence too tenderly—keeping transgression tidy by assuming the Big Listener remains politely deaf.
3. Minimal difference:
Replace God with ‘God’—shift belief from theology to typography. The obscene surplus moves into the quotation marks themselves; the joke’s subject keeps distance, but the signifiers perform the sticky belief. (Zupančič’s version is the model. (Xenopraxis))

Tito’s Happy Chicken and the Psycho Envelope

1. Cooked joke:
A national ledger (a very prim notebook) tiptoes around a giant porcelain rooster asleep on a velvet cushion. To keep the rooster dreaming, the ledger stuffs IOUs into a pink envelope stamped “For Happiness,” then slides it under a shower curtain labeled “Not Quite Psycho.” When the rooster finally stops snoring, the bathroom floods and all the digits run off the page, naked and embarrassed.
2. What was wrong (euphemistically):
The antique discretion: protecting the Leader’s serene eyelids by credit-laundering catastrophe—an accounting lullaby that moved the crisis from the present to everyone else’s bedroom.
3. Minimal difference:
Let the ledger act lewdly (slipping the ‘happiness’ cash under the curtain) so the obscene becomes procedural, not personal. (Late-1970s Yugoslav debt spiral; the “buying off unhappiness” line echoed in Psycho. (Wikipedia))

“What Is the Difference?” with Toy Trains and Breasts

1. Cooked joke:
A toy locomotive and two shy porcelain domes sit in a nursery. The domes whisper, “We were designed for infants,” and the train replies, “Same here—yet listen who polishes us after bedtime.” A father-shaped shadow clears its throat. Everyone pretends to be educational.
2. What was wrong:
The original let the punchline’s male gaze stroll in without gloves.
3. Minimal difference:
Make the objects deliver the line. Their feigned pedagogy supplies the indirect obscenity while the humans remain silhouettes. (Žižek’s own formulation of the “difference denied” template. (cabinetmagazine.org))

Heidegger’s Lone Zinger, Deodorized

1. Cooked joke:
A mountain (wearing a black hat) opens a letter, sniffs, and says, “The psychiatrist needs a psychiatrist.” A mirror on the wall answers, “Doctor, reflect thyself,” and both objects fog up, discreetly.
2. What was wrong:
The raw quip handled rivalry with blunt instruments; the scalpel was left in the drawer.
3. Minimal difference:
Give the insult to the furniture—a mountain and a mirror—so the obscene rivalry transpires as fog on glass, not spittle on faces. (Reported line in correspondence. (beyng.com))

The Dying Ward, or Inclusion without Exception

1. Cooked joke:
A patient complains to a clock: “These people are too noisy.” The clock smiles: “Tick-tick—this is the room for ticking.” The bedrails blush; the curtain closes itself, lower than strictly necessary.
2. What was wrong:
The original kept the cruelty bare-faced.
3. Minimal difference:
Shift the verdict from doctor to clock—time itself becomes the dry administrator, which makes the blackness formal (and indecently intimate).

Kettle Logic, Now with a Talking Kettle

1. Cooked joke:
Neighbor: “You returned my kettle broken.”
Kettle (polite, wearing a napkin as a scarf): “I was never borrowed; I returned myself unbroken; besides, I arrived broken in the first place.” The teaspoon faints from arousal at such perfect inconsistency.
2. What was wrong:
The raw case-work kept the contradictions factual, when their true lubricity is structural—a defense that pleasures itself by multiplying exits.
3. Minimal difference:
Let the kettle plead its own triple alibi; the obscene enjoyment passes into the utensil’s chatter. (Freud’s kettle; Derrida’s label. (studymore.org.uk))

WMDs as Three Teapots

1. Cooked joke:
General Teapot says: “There are leaves inside.”
A month later: “Well, the leaves were moved to the neighbor’s pantry.”
Later still: “Actually there were no leaves, but the teapot is tyrannical china, so smash it.” The stove nods solemnly, already hot.
2. What was wrong:
Too many dignified reasons for the same smashing—an elegant overdress for a naked decision.
3. Minimal difference:
Translate each rationale into a different teapot-voice and keep the smashing constant; the contradiction becomes audible. (David Kay’s “no stockpiles” admission; shifting rationales in 2003–04. (WIRED))

Holocaust Kettle-Logic, Defused into Form

1. Cooked joke:
A cracked museum label whispers three lines about a damaged urn: “There is no urn. The urn existed and deserved its cracks. The urn existed, didn’t deserve them, but mustn’t complain.” The urn itself remains, indecently, there.
2. What was wrong:
The raw example risked letting poison ride the logic.
3. Minimal difference:
Move the content into a pedestal label and keep the urn mute; we expose the inconsistency without ventriloquizing hatred.

“Apart from…?” (Life of Brian) Replated

1. Cooked joke:
A clipboard asks, “What have the Romans ever done for us?” The aqueduct, sanitation, roads, medicine, and wine all raise their little hands. The clipboard clears its throat: “Yes, yes—apart from this orgy of infrastructure?” The wine bottle winks; the aqueduct blushes.
2. What was wrong:
The original reply cadence tempts leaders to borrow it as a smug shield.
3. Minimal difference:
Make the list itself answer back (hands up!), turning the cadence into chorus—now the obscenity is bureaucratic: the inventory flirts while politics pretends not to notice. (Scene and cadence source. (montypython.50webs.com))

The Inclusion/Exclusion Gag (Fata, Muyo, the Queue) Reframed

1. Cooked joke:
In a dark room, a lampshade promises therapy: “When you tire, switch me on.” She does; the light reveals not a husband but a revolving door charging admission. The door coughs and issues tickets from a slot prudishly placed.
2. What was wrong:
The original placed crude bodies center stage.
3. Minimal difference:
Promote the appliances—lamp and door—to principal roles. The queue remains implied in the ticket’s location.

“Does the Commodities’ Chicken Know?”

1. Cooked joke:
Two price tags whisper: “We know we’re only social relations.” A rubber chicken on the shelf clucks, “But do we know it?” The barcode shivers in a place barcodes shouldn’t.
2. What was wrong:
The raw lecture left the market’s lewd chorus offstage.
3. Minimal difference:
Shift knowledge to labels and barcodes—commodities speak, and their speech is the obscene kernel.

Chocolate Laxative, Or: ‘Opium Without Opium’

1- Cooked:
A Square politely serves Circle a ‘no-plug’ chocolate: the wrapper promises relief from Blockage by offering more Blockage, a petit-bourgeois Parsifal in foil. Circle nibbles, thanks the Square, and—how decent!—asks for a second piece to keep everything moving… in place.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Uncle Slavoj’s version luxuriates in the alibi of consumption: the wound-that-heals itself becomes a program for polite indulgence (decaf desire, biopolitical vitamins), turning restraint into a hygienic kink. It risks glamorizing the pharmacology of ‘safe’ enjoyment as the graceful exit from responsibility. (National Museum of American History)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Replace the pharmacological product with two talking shapes who exchange ‘no-plug’ chocolate—the obscene becomes indirect: the blockage is literalized as geometry, and the Wagnerian spear is now a sugary square that heals by re-plugging. (monsalvat.no)

‘Let Me Sin Without Consequences’: An Immaculate Petition

1- Cooked:
A very pious Word, ‘Purity’, kneels before a clean white Raisin and whispers: ‘You conceived me without stain; kindly permit me to stain without conceiving.’ The Raisin blushes—so many seeds for such seedlessness!

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
By making piety a lubricant for impunity, the raw telling instrumentalizes devotion as a prophylactic for jouissance, letting ethics moonlight as an insurance policy. (The obscene kernel is dumped onto religion to keep pleasure spotless.)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Swap people for abstract words and a prudish raisin: the request remains, but its blush exposes the paradox without smirking at believers.

‘Write A New Testament’: The Heavenly Editorial Board

1- Cooked:
A Fountain-Pen-Deity advises a sulking Little-Footnote about his unruly Son-Thesis: ‘Do what I did: add a revised edition and move the index.’ The Footnote nods, already erasing page numbers with reverent zeal.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The paternal joke risks trivializing rupture as mere rebranding: revelation reduced to a product update—the sacred turned into editorial housekeeping.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the structure, but let stationery speak: the ‘testament’ becomes pagination. The indirect obscenity is that the appendix displaces the child.

God Answers, Then Weeps; Popov Answers, Then Is

1- Cooked:
Calendar asks Globe, Globe asks Calendar. Calendar predicts red ink for one, red ink under new management for another. When the clock asks for the small punctual republic, the Calendar cries. In the next room three Paper-Clips introduce themselves: one opposed the Staple, one supported the Staple, one is the Staple.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The originals flatten catastrophe into punchlines—softening real histories of repression and prison into clever symmetry. The risk: aestheticizing the terror of ‘lines’ (party, prison) as a neat temporal twist. (Wikipedia)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Trade politicians and prisoners for office supplies and a crying calendar—the structure survives while the obscenity relocates to administration: papers pierced, not bodies.

‘Cast The First Stone’, Interrupted By Mother

1- Cooked:
Chalk writes on Sand. Sand begs for the first pebble. A discreet Pebble arrives from a very tidy Purse. Chalk sighs: ‘Mother, we discussed handbags.’

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The gag leans on a blasphemous cheap shot that collapses a profound ethical suspension into maternal slapstick; the sacred suspension of judgment becomes a family squabble. (Bible Gateway)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the Johannine staging—writing on ground—but replace Mary with a purse-pebble: same structure, obliquely obscene (the handbag as portable law).

The Marriage-Broker & The Socialist Sales Pitch

1- Cooked:
A Mirror-Broker sells a Portrait: ‘No gloss? Wonderful—less glare. No color? Excellent—timeless. No face? Even better—pure idea!’ When the buyer coughs ‘there’s no canvas’, the Mirror smiles: ‘Perfection is indecent.’

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw version launders deprivation by rhetoric; it risks normalizing shortages and surveillance via witty reframing—an aesthetics of lack as virtue. (Internet Archive)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Substitute the bride/state with a portrait/canvas; the obscene neatness is that the missing flesh becomes ‘feature’. The sell remains; the body is now linen.

The 100 Rubles For A Beautiful Collapse

1- Cooked:
Customer places a single Raisin on the counter: ‘Is my Raisin safe?’ Clerk: ‘By the Jar. By the Pantry. By the House.’ Customer: ‘And if the House falls?’ Clerk beams: ‘For one raisin, you’ll buy the view.’

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The original’s punch valorizes systemic implosion as a bargain, winking at ruin as spectacle—too eager to spend others’ losses for a sublime political vista.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Replace money/state with raisin/houseware; the obscene economy persists as pantry-apocalypse.

Alone With God: The Twisted Consolation

1- Cooked:
A Candle grieves: ‘I was promised Sun. Instead I burn alone.’ A Voice replies: ‘Congratulations—you’ve matched the Sun’s loneliness, only smaller.’

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The twist risks crowning abandonment as mystical union—consecrating destitution as success and thereby aestheticizing despair into theology.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Make the sufferer a candle; the obscene grace is wick-thin.

‘Two Pickets To Tittsburgh’: Triage Of Tongues

1- Cooked:
Three Tongue-Depressors meet. First says he ordered ‘ticket’ but produced ‘picket’. Second sought ‘sugar, honey’ but served the marriage-truth. Third rehearsed the truth and delivered ‘sugar, honey’—a triumph of etiquette over libido.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw triad rides on easy misogyny and humiliation as truth-event; it treats speech-slips as licenses for cruelty, mistaking verbal turbulence for ethical revelation. (Reddit)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the Freudian slips; let tools of the mouth speak. Obscenity becomes clinic-quiet.

Dumb & Dumber: From Lapalissade To Ontology

1- Cooked:
A President-Shovel declares: ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’ A Vice-Rake replies: ‘If we don’t succeed, we risk failure.’ The Gardener-Heidegger enters: ‘The essence of weeds is the weed of essence.’ Everyone nods. The lawn dies beautifully.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Citing slips to score partisan points can slide into complacency—the world burns while we polish paradoxes. Yet those tautologies did happen and shape rhetoric; their uncanny reflexivity deserves analysis, not merely sneers. (The New Yorker)

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Switch politicians to garden tools; keep the exact form of the lapalissade and the Heideggerian flip. The indirect obscenity? Language seeds itself while the ground starves. And yes, elsewhere a certain lawyer once asked what ‘is’ is. (TIME)

Biopolitics In A Condom: ‘Opium Without Opium’

1- Cooked:
A Raincoat takes a shower over a Mirror. The Mirror fogs and whispers: ‘We are being very safe.’ The soap, unused, applauds the moral hygiene of getting clean without getting wet.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
By fetishizing safety as enjoyment-without-enjoyment, the raw frame risks turning prudence into an erotic ideal—biopolitics as tasteful kink rather than contested governance.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Transcode the condom quip into bathroom objects; the indirect obscenity rests in the dry lather.

‘He Really Is—Madeleine’

1- Cooked:
A mirror says: ‘This mask may look like a face and act like a face—don’t be fooled: it’s a face.’ A hatbox hisses to the hat inside: ‘You may look like Madeleine and act like Madeleine—don’t blush; you are the same felt I keep trying not to touch.’ (Villains Wiki)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Uncle Slavoj rushed the identity reveal as if recognition were a whip; the joke’s stability needs the mirror to confess first, so the hat can misbehave politely.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Swap people for a mask, a mirror, and a hat, letting the obscene be a tremor of fabric—same structure, safer cut.

‘Ravelli, Licked’

1- Cooked:
A stamp stares at another stamp. ‘Say, I used to know a fellow looked exactly like you—was he your brother?’
‘I’m Stamp.’
‘You’re Stamp?’
‘I’m Stamp.’
‘Well, no wonder you look like him… but I still insist, there’s a resemblance.’ (They refuse to mention why their corners are damp.) (Clip.Cafe)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The original leans on human sameness; better let adhesive squares do the licking, not us.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Replace brothers with postal twins; the ‘resemblance’ becomes tastefully sticky.

‘Philanthropy With Gloves’

1- Cooked:
A velvet cushion whispers to a broom: ‘Remove that shivering coin—I’m too sensitive to witness loose change suffering on my sofa.’ (The broom blushes; the dust bunnies pretend to be pearls.)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw joke admired cruelty from a moral balcony; we move the hauteur into furniture upholstery.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the rich-man pose but give it to a cushion—same hypocrisy, softer slap.

‘Blue Letter, Red Missing’

1- Cooked:
A pen in Siberia writes in blue: ‘Everything here is superb: full shelves, warm radiators, Western films, generous kettles—only one thing is unavailable: red ink.’ The envelope nods; its stamp tastes like snow and secrecy. (simple.wikiquote.org)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The danger was treating censorship as quaint; we let stationary objects deliver the chill.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
The code remains; we merely let the pen and stamp do the whispering—same logic, safer mouth.

‘Forced Choice, Stirred’

1- Cooked:
Cup: ‘Will you marry me?’
Teapot: ‘No.’
Cup: ‘Stop circling the rim—give me a straight answer!’ (The spoon keeps time like a metronome pretending not to listen.)
Priest-Kettle later asks: ‘Do you believe in steam?’ The lid is free to say ‘no,’ provided it whistles ‘yes’ correctly.

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw staged consent as a corridor with one lit exit; we keep the corridor but turn the lights into kitchenware.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Translate ‘Yes-or-else’ into crockery choreography—identical paradox, gentler spill.

‘Local Call’

1- Cooked:
In one office a blue phone reaches ‘Up’; in another, a red phone reaches ‘Down.’ The bills differ: one is ‘local,’ the other ‘local, too.’ (The cords tangle like polite serpents.) (stone.edu)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The original played border games with theology and geopolitics; we keep the tariff gag, lose the chest-thumping.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Abstract the callers; preserve the punch that proximity is a bookkeeping mood.

‘Concentrating & Camping, With Spreadsheets’

1- Cooked:
A general ledger smirks: ‘We do the concentrating, they do the camping.’ In the margin, an employee’s pension line quietly decamps while executive options exit early through the back door. Tent pegs clack like typebars. (Simple Wikipedia)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Invoking atrocity beside bankruptcy risks theatrical equivalence; we pin the cruelty to the sentence that mocks itself and let numbers, not victims, carry the shock.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the Lubitsch line verbatim, move the second half to balance-sheets—same formal matrix, ethically padded.

‘Acting Himself’

1- Cooked:
A lampshade impersonates a lamp: exaggerated glow, laughter like tungsten. Then the real lamp arrives and imitates the impersonation. Elsewhere, a mannequin dyes itself ‘Madeleine’ because a coat asked nicely—cloth learns aura the hard way. (Simple Wikipedia)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw delights in exposure as punishment; we stage imitation as furniture catching itself in the act.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Swap officers and lovers for shade and lamp; keep the uncanny recursion intact.

‘Self-Icon, Life-Size Map’

1- Cooked:
A country spreads itself on the floor and whispers to its map: ‘Scoot over—I’m my own legend.’ In a nearby glass case, a gentleman labeled ‘Auto-Icon’ politely remains his own sign, buttoned to the throat. (London Walking Tours)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw pointed, then pointed again; we let the object point to itself and be done.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep Bentham and Carroll; let the obscene be geographical spooning.

‘Weather, Premourned’

1- Cooked:
Umbrella: ‘Sun, I adore you; soon I’ll be unemployed.’
Sun: ‘Cloud, don’t get attached; my tan is a passing crush.’ (A barometer breathes through clenched lips.)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It outsourced melancholy to a stereotype; we return it to the sky, which was always the proper drama queen.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Same structure—anticipatory grief—shifted from people to meteorology.

‘In Principle, Yes’

1- Cooked:
Radio Answers: ‘In principle, yes—he won a new car. Only: it was a bicycle, it was old, and it was his, and it was stolen.’ The announcer dusts the microphone with a smile that squeaks. (Wikipedia)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
None—except that the truth dripped like oil; we merely shine the chrome.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the triple correction; let the studio objects enjoy the theft.

‘Free Association, Singular’

1- Cooked:
Grammar examines the Abstract Noun.
Cue: ‘Table.’ Answer: ‘Desire.’
‘Sky.’ ‘Desire.’
‘Napkin.’ ‘Desire.’
‘You misunderstand!’
‘I do not; I simply want one thing very thoroughly.’ (The Oxford comma averts its eyes.)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw made fixation the property of a mocked group; we keep fixation, remove the target.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Replace persons with parts of speech; the obscenity is now the insistence.

‘Horse, Of Course’

1- Cooked:
‘What’s an elephant?’
‘A non-Triangle from a forest; a Triangle is a domestic shape with three urgent corners used for pointing, warning, or wedging doors.’
‘Fish?’
‘A Triangle that forgot its legs.’
‘Dog?’
‘A Triangle that barks by mistake.’
‘Fine—what’s a Triangle?’
(The student gasps; all three angles blush and look at the floor.)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The raw let abstraction bully particulars until language jammed; we keep the jam, but the jelly is Euclidean.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Swap ‘horse’ for ‘triangle’; identical collapse, cleaner hooves.

‘Give Them Red Ink’

1- Cooked:
Protest signs discover their vowels are only printed in blue. The consonants behave themselves; the word ‘FREEDOM’ clears its throat and asks for a refill. We hand them a red felt-tip with a squeaky nib. (simple.wikiquote.org)

2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Risk of turning voicelessness into a parlor anecdote; we let the markers feel itchy.

3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Same code from the Siberian letter; now the pens march.

Hide-and-Seek with Franjo (plane-window edition)

1- Cooked:
Tired Banknote leans against an airplane window over Croatia. Patriarchal Wallet sighs: “I shall drop one grand check and make one citizen happy.” Pearl Necklace proposes two demi-cheques; Little Stamp chirps four quarter-cheques. Finally Paper Airplane (Grandson) whispers to the glass: “Dearest Wallet, why not offer yourself—so that all the coins may finally stop clinking?” The window blushes.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It built pleasure from fantasizing a leader’s disposal as relief; the crowd’s libido was conscripted as a trash chute. (Tudjman’s centrality to 1990s Croatia is real; the joke’s economy is the obscene part.) (GovInfo)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the plane, checks, and the innocent child’s logic; let Wallet/Banknote/Stamp speak so the obscenity is displaced into the cash that already treats bodies like payload.

Eggs-on-the-Eye (barracks cuisine)

1- Cooked:
Frying Pan says to Rooster-Alarm: “Two sunny-sides for my left pupil, please.” Rooster answers coyly by perching yolk-first on the Forehead Mirror. Breakfast stares back.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It rehearsed barracks hazing as culinary pun, seasoning humiliation as protein.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the idiom ‘eggs on the eye’; swap soldiers for Pan/Rooster/Mirror so the lewd contact is between kitchen metaphors, not bodies.

Lenin’s Motto, but in Bed (and at the Desk)

1- Cooked:
Beard Bookmark asks: “Wife or Mistress?” Marx-Lamp glows ‘Wife’; Engels-Club clinks ‘Mistress’; Lenin’s Inkwell says, very politely: “Both. So Calendar covers Clock, Clock covers Calendar… and I may retreat to my Desk Drawer and learn, learn, learn.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It fetishized virtue via logistics—making deceit a study plan.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the triple-choice and the slogan; let Inkwell/Calendar/Clock run the alibi so the obscenity is bureaucratic time, not women.

Two Testicle Tales — I. The Counter Serenade

1- Cooked:
At a bar, Monkey Toy rinses his Marbles in a patron’s Whisky. The patron asks the Busker Violin: “Why is that monkey washing…?” Violin nods, tunes, and sings the literal question as a ballad. Everyone claps, the glass wilts.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It relied on an ethnic tag as punchline fuel; ideology’s poetry shouldn’t be a slur-rhyme generator.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the mishearing-as-song structure; replace human types with Violin/Monkey Toy/Glass so the lewdness sticks to objects, not people.

Two Testicle Tales — II. Dust and the Invader

1- Cooked:
On a road of Powdered Miles, an Invader on Horse-Icon orders an unnameable trespass; Peasant Hands must hold the Invader’s Pendulums “so they don’t get dusty.” After the trespass, Peasant Laughter celebrates: “Look—dust on his pendulums.” The Road remains powdered.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It staged sexual violence as set-up for a petty revenge—that is a moral misfire, even when meant as critique.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Retain the road, the dust, the false triumph; speak through Road/Pendulums/Horse-Icon to condemn the structure without repeating the violation.

Limousines by Representation

1- Cooked:
Russia’s Limo Key drives itself. Yugoslavia’s Proxy Steering Wheel purrs: “Do relax—ordinary people ride in me through their representatives.” Upholstery grins.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The jab is accurate, but it risked swapping critique for a smirk about ‘self-management’ while forgetting the creditors in the glove box. (Big Think)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the same aphorism; let Key/Steering Wheel/Upholstery narrate so the obscenity is representation’s seatbelt, not the represented.

Live Organ Transplants (Galaxy in the Fridge)

1- Cooked:
Doorbell rings; Orderlies claim the Husband’s Liver ‘by policy’. Wife retreats; Refrigerator opens and sings the Galaxy Song until her Consent evaporates like steam from a kettle. She signs with a cosmological shiver.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Cosmic sublime as bedside coercion—gaslighting by constellations. The tune slaps because it’s true and misused. (Wikipedia)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the fridge-aria and consent flip; give the aria to Refrigerator/Cosmos so the obscenity is persuasion’s scale, not gore.

Don Giovanni Needs a Witness (Island Edition)

1- Cooked:
Shipwrecked Peasant Hat meets Poster of Cindy on an island rock. After exertions, Hat begs: “Please become Best-Friend Moustache for one minute.” Then elbows the poster: “Guess what—I just did it with Cindy.” The Rock rolls its single eye.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Desire only counts when vouched by a third gaze; the joke greased that gate with a real woman’s name.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the third-party registration; switch to Hat/Poster/Rock so the obscene truth is the ledger, not the person.

‘No, Never…’ — The SM Misfit

1- Cooked:
Masochism Contract pleads: “Strike me.” Sadism Index replies: “No—that’s my pleasure.” Both stare at Clause 0, which is not a couple.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It treated two distinct dramaturgies as jigsaw halves; Deleuze already filed the edges off that cliché. (Wikipedia)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the one-line gag; let Contract/Index/Clause 0 expose the non-complementarity.

‘Matter of Taste’ — Freudian postcard

1- Cooked:
“How is your wife?” asks Curious Envelope. New Husband’s Stamp answers: “Personally not my taste; but that’s precisely why taste is personal.” Superego Teaspoon clinks with relief.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It airbrushed someone into a preference sample—good for aphorism, bad for subject.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the quip’s shrug; make Envelope/Stamp/Teaspoon carry the rudeness so it instructs without bruising.

The McGuffin (Highlands, No Lions)

1- Cooked:
“What’s that parcel?” “A McGuffin—for trapping lions in the Highlands.” “But there are no lions in the Highlands.” “Then observe: the device already worked.” The Luggage Rack smirks.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Nothing—Hitchcock’s immaculate tease about purpose where object lacks object. (Wikipedia)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep both punchlines A/B; animate the Rack to enjoy the lack.

The Last Cannibal Ate the Last Cannibal

1- Cooked:
Tribe Ledger notes: “We ate the last cannibal.” Mirror swallows itself. Subject appears in the burp.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Only when the operator eats its domain does reflection begin—funny, but sharpen the blade away from peoples toward logic. (analepsis)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the recursive devouring; let Ledger/Mirror do the indigestion so the obscene is self-application, not anthropology.

‘Cyclists and Jews’ — The Swap

1- Cooked:
On a bench, Newspaper folds. A passerby mutters: “All troubles are from Jews.” Reader replies: “And cyclists.” “Why cyclists?” asks the passerby. Reader: “Why Jews?” The Bench creaks in relief.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The joke’s only safe landing is its pivot; missing it turns naming into ammunition. (Aish.com)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the structure exactly; replace faces with Newspaper/Bench so the obscene mechanism, not the target, is what’s displayed.

Manchester–Bristol–London — ‘Strange We Met’

1- Cooked:
“Daddy: Manchester, Mummy: Bristol, I: London—strange the three of us should have met,” says Birth Certificate. Ideology Letter whispers: “Destination is wherever I arrive.” Coincidence fans itself like a naughty postcard.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It retrofits fate into contingency; the punch smuggles Providence in bureaucratic lingerie. (lacan.com)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the tri-city line; make Letter/Certificate/Coincidence do the seduction so the obscenity is teleology’s wink, not genealogy.

Soldier Shoots Early (Jaruzelski-curfew)

1- Cooked:
Two Alarm Clocks patrol a hallway. At 21:50, one shoots a Shadow. The other asks, “Why so soon?” The first replies, “Shadow lives far from midnight—he wouldn’t make it to ten. Efficiency is a virtue.” The bullet politely adjusts its tie.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It sprinted from rule to execution, treating time like a pretext and bodies like paperwork—a curfew made priapic. (Wikipedia)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the “early shot” logic; let Clocks/Shadow/Bullet speak so temporal zeal appears as indecent haste rather than heroics.

Under Her Clothes (Allais/Lacan)

1- Cooked:
Curtain gasps before Mannequin: “Mon dieu—beneath her Dress, she is entirely Skin!” Label blushes and covers nothing.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The unmasking fetish pretended to be emancipation—voyeurism with a diploma. (AltExploit)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the Allais line; make Curtain/Label declare the sham so exposure itself is the joke.

Five Złoty Secret (Pole & Jew)

1- Cooked:
Wallet pays Recipe Card to reveal “how Coins are milked.” Card instructs: fetch a Dead Fish, moonlight, churchyard, entrails-in-water… then asks for more coins to continue. Wallet erupts: “You’re just taking my last coin!” Recipe Card smiles: “Now you’ve learned the method.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It flirted with a toxic stereotype while proving its structure—truth emerging as the very misrecognition that offends. (haam.org)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the steps and the paywall; assign roles to Wallet/Recipe Card so the obscene mechanism is monetized delay, not a people.

Weininger Variation (Nothing Behind the Mask)

1- Cooked:
Mask whispers “Nothing.” Definition trembles, then sighs: “Exactly—the Nothing is the engine; she is subject because her zero is active.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It slammed emptiness as deficiency, missing how negativity lubricates the concept.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Replace accusation with re-inscription: have Mask/Nothing/Definition perform the flip from failure to success.

Before the Law (Kafka) + Alternate Ending

1- Cooked:
At a gate labeled LAW, Country Man waits while Doorkeeper Hat collects centuries. Dying, he asks, “Why only me?” Hat bellows: “This door was only for you.” In the analyst’s cut, Country Man shouts, “You guard only my desire!” Hat: “Voilá, door discovered.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
He left the recognition coy; the truth arrived but was too shy to curtsy. (Goodreads)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the canonical line; let Hat/Door speak so the obscene intimacy of the gate (yours) appears.

Lenin in Warsaw (Title-as-Master-Signifier)

1- Cooked:
Painting: Krupskaya with a Young Komsomol in bed. Title plaque: “Lenin in Warsaw.” Visitor: “But where is Lenin?” Plaque replies, “In Warsaw.” Sheets grin.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The title’s sovereignty hid in plain sight, bossing the scene while pretending to be mere caption. (Academia)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the exhibit; let the Plaque answer—so naming does the indecent work.

“That Is It” (Conscript & the Object)

1- Cooked:
Draft Notice feigns madness, riffling Papers: “Not it, not it…” Psychiatrist hands a Release Slip. Notice reads: “That is it!” The little a winks from the margin.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It treated the found paper as cure rather than the object made by the search—desire’s striptease. (ResearchGate)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the office ritual; stylize the Slip as the produced prize (objet a) so the find is flagrantly fabricated.

Never-Spoken Words (Wellington/God’s Perfection)

1- Cooked:
Tourist: “Is this where Wellington said those words?” Guide: “Yes—only he never said them.” Nearby, God boasts perfections “except existing.” Both inscriptions pout attractively.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It toyed with the Real but didn’t let the plaque smirk—absence must preen. (Wikiquote)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the paradox; have Plaques talk so non-occurrence gets its obscene cameo.

Rabinovitch Emigrates (Two Reasons)

1- Cooked:
Rabinovitch to Window Clerk: “Two reasons. First, if the Party falls, we’ll be blamed.” Clerk: “Impossible; Party lasts forever.” Rabinovitch: “Second reason.” Stamp pads moan.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
The double bind blushed but didn’t confess how power answers both sides with the same tongue. (Reddit)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Preserve the two-reasons cadence; let Stamp/Window make the syllogism sticky.

Hegelian Reconciliations (Rabinovitch Variations)

1- Cooked:
Professor Dialectic: “Two reasons society reconciles: civil interaction…” Student: “But interaction is strife!” Professor (spreads Ledger): “Exactly—strife knits dependence.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It hid the obscene stitch—the social suture that chafes while it binds.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the joke’s rhythm; swap in Ledger/Strife to show positivity of lack.

Unemployment Variant (Exploitation)

1- Cooked:
Worker: “Two reasons I’m exploited. First, the boss grabs my surplus.” Jobless Sign: “But you make none.” Worker: “Second reason.” The Factory Gate locks with a satisfied click.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It de-sublimated reserve armies without letting the gate enjoy itself.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Retain form; let Gate/Sign confess the production of non-work. (Coffee-without-milk logic.) (Wikipedia)

Going to Jerusalem (Empty Tomb)

1- Cooked:
Pilgrims: “Two reasons: find the Tomb, meet the Divine.” Guide: “Tomb is empty.” Pilgrims: “Second reason—the We is the body.” Stone rolls its eyes, affectionately.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It risked piety without the shameless communal blush.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the trifecta (tomb/empty/community); let Stone/We do the obscene theology.

Rhyme Lesson (Officer & Roma Soldier)

1- Cooked:
Officer Metronome: “I play balalaika, and—(indelicate rhyme about your mother).” Soldier Rhyme: “I play balalaika, and—your wife.” Officer: “Not a rhyme!” Soldier (second line): “Not a rhyme, but it’s true.” Rhyme Scheme arrives late and locks everything into place.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It dangled ethnic spice while the real spice was belated form—the predicate becoming subject.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the verse; let Rhyme Scheme click shut so belated truth rhymes retroactively.

Essence of Femininity (Dispersion)

1- Cooked:
Research Label: “I’ve found the Essence.” Draft Wind: “Essence is dispersed.” Label (peeling): “Then dispersion is Essence.” The aisle fan hums obscenely.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It teased essence like a collectible; the wind was the collection.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the triad; let Label/Wind invert predicate to subject.

Reversed Rabinovitch (Punishment vs. Permanence)

1- Cooked:
Rabinovitch: “Two reasons to leave. First, nothing changes here—forever.” Clerk: “Nonsense—crimes will be punished!” Rabinovitch: “Second reason.” Calendar bends over.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It lacked the obscene calendar flip (eternity vs. vengeance swapping masks).
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the exchange; anthropomorphize Calendar.

Lemberg/Cracow (Truth-as-Breach)

1- Cooked:
Carriage Seat A: “Where to?” Seat B: “Cracow.” A: “Liar! If you say ‘Cracow,’ you want Lemberg believed; but I know it’s Cracow—why lie?” The Timetable smirks: truth is indecent when it skips the code.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It reported the paradox without letting Etiquette show its panties—truth that violates the ritual is obscene truth. (ia802907.us.archive.org)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the famous lines; make Timetable/Etiquette admit the breach.

Party Politeness (You Act As If)

1- Cooked:
Citizen: “Why do you say the bureaucracy is the enemy when it really is the bureaucracy?” Slogan Poster winks: “Shhh, that’s how courtesy works.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It didn’t stage the politeness contract—the lie that must wear its truthful garter.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep wording; let Poster/Courtesy mutter the code. (Jewish Review of Books)

Everyday Politeness (“Glad to see you!”)

1- Cooked:
Mouth: “Glad to see you!” Eyes: also glad. Politeness coughs: “You weren’t supposed to mean it.”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It missed the eroticism of saying the truth where a lie should lie.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the greeting; let Politeness blush.

Money as Social Relation (Commodity Fetishism)

1- Cooked:
Pupil: “Money is just a knot of relations.” Cash Register: “Why are you saying it’s a knot when it really is a knot?” Coins tinkle lasciviously.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It forgot that practice is the fetish’s tongue.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the quip; voice the Register.

Clinton & Protesters (Saying the Truth)

1- Cooked:
Podium: “We should listen to the protesters.” Ear: “Why say ‘listen’ when you mean listen?”
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
Statement as performance missed its obscene adequacy.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Retain the line; let Ear police sincerity.

Femme Fatale (Acting-as-Being)

1- Cooked:
Sucker: “Why act like a cold manipulative Word, when you really are that Word?” Mascara doesn’t run.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It didn’t savor the identical twins: seeming and being grinding against each other.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the insult; animate Word/Mascara.

Crocodile Under the Bed (Effect of the Real)

1- Cooked:
Patient: “There’s a crocodile under my bed.” Therapist Lamp treats the metaphor. Months later, Friend reports: “Which patient? The one eaten by the metaphor.” The Underbed burps politely.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It treated the signifier’s teeth as gums. (Wikipedia)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the cure/eaten twist; give Underbed/Lamp their appetites.

Lightest Object (Phallus Paradox)

1- Cooked:
Riddle Board: “Lightest thing?” Phallus raises itself by a thought—then refuses a summons. Willpower knocks; Mood keeps the key.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It celebrated levity without impotence—the comic pair. (AltExploit)
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the riddle; let Willpower/Mood bicker.

Worm and Doughnut (Final shrug)

1- Cooked:
“Did you hear the one about a Worm trying to enter a Doughnut?” “No.” “Neither did Hole.” The Glaze looks away, sanctimoniously sticky.
2- What was wrong and dangerous in the raw:
It coyly denied its own innuendo while leaving the pastry damp.
3- Minimal difference that cooks it:
Keep the laconic refusal; let Hole/Glaze carry the indirect smut.